People are crazy!

What the fuck is going on in this motherfucker yo? People are crazy, everybody's crazy. People act normal just so they don't have to look crazy. I'm like fuck it, everyone should just be they self. What the fuck is all the fuss about? Calm the fuck down people. I mean shit. We got people shooting people for no reason. Chicks hanging themselves cause some girls called them a slut! They should feel lucky! I can't even find a date! She pulled a train on her first night! I'm just playing. I don't condone rape ill tell you that! And if you do take your standards down a bit and go get some pussy homey! Ain't no shame and bangin a couple grandmas! I'm just saying if beyonce ain't willin to fuck you it doesn't mean you have to give up and start rapin bitches! Just take it down a notch. 

People are crazy! So I've developed a limp. I remember when I would play around with a limp. Now I got no choice. When you got kids things are expensive. You can't get everything you want so some shit has to wait. And when shit waits other shit goes wrong. So now I gotta limp. So I go to the dr and they're like what's wrong. I said if I knew that I would just fix the motherfucker myself! What am I paying you for! And damn am I paying a lot! Shit just went up to 3 hundred and fifty dollars a week. Yeah motherfucker! I said a week! It's no wonder I gotta a limp and I pay the insurance. But damn it if it doesn't cover shoulder, hip, gall bladder, liver. Apparently the only thing they do for under a hundred dollars is take your blood pressure and see how much you weigh. I could have brought that information with me bitch go get the doctor! This is costing me a fortune. And you better not be charging me by the hour cause you had me sittin in that waiting room for damn near an hour. Three hundred forty 5 dollars a week. 

Then I come in today and your receptionist has the nerve to ask me for 20 more dollars co pay. Co pay? Why does it seem like I'm paying for the whole thing? So I'm paying three hundred forty five dollars a week? I also have to pay a co pay? And a mother fucking deductible? you motherfuckers should have picked me up in a limo! I had to get gas and drive to this bitch on top of all that! All they did was take my blood pressure (finger up counting), check my weight, and listen to me tell them what I'm feeling.

Lucky I'm not fatter

My bellys so big and old that it's starting to keep me away from the rest of my body and its been around for 4 presidents. Oh it went away for a while between 8 and 22 but most of that time it was because there was no food to eat and because I wasn't allowed to drink beer. Now it's like an amusement park and for the right amount of money you can get in anywhere and eat anything you want. Yeah think about it, anywhere and anything. Thats the only AA i need. I dont worry about my liver soaking up the alcohol because i figure that the food does it since there is more of that anyways Then something else does something with the food. I think thats what i remember them saying in class. Fuck I dont really remember what they were saying. Most of the time i was so hungry couldnt sit still and focus because dry toast and unsweetened oatmeal didn't sound worth giving up the extra 15 minutes of laying in bed time. 

I was 125 at 16 years old and 225 at twenty six years old. I went from denzel to romeo crennel. But i tell you what, that was the funnest 100 pounds ive ever had! Just think of all of those food and drink songs, they all went through my head. Im lucky, for sure, I'm lucky im not fatter shit, I eat out alot. I eat out so much I don't know where in is anymore. I mean I got Sunday brunch, you know that's like a necessity like bringing in the new week some go to church I go to Sunday brunch. I get football, champaigne, and chile rellenos! Monday night is a no brainer because Monday night football and pizza go perfectly together. And what goes perfectly with pizza and football? Beer! By Tuesday there are competitions between tacos, wings, and sushi! I decide to have tacos and margaritas and save sushi and sake for Friday night. So Wednesday I finally remember where in is and I decide to order in instead and I have Chinese food delivered because general tsao and Kung pao were calling me. Thursday is date night and you know how girls love Thursday night football so it's a perfect time to enjoy some alone time with the mrs. And Rich eisen while getting to enjoy another night of beer! since everyone already knows I'm having three of my favorite esses on Friday night; sushi, sake, and sapporo, saturday is finally my time to enjoy some home cookin when we BBQ up some 22 ounce porterhouse steaks baked potatoes and cheesy bread. Yes of course we get our veggies when we drip butter on our broccoli. This along with my vodka Lemon juice ensures that i get my fruit and vegetable and plus lemon juice detoxifies your liver so between the food and lemon juice my liver should actually be stronger. Or at least should probably neutralize each other out. I can't believe were back to Sunday again. I know what you're thinking, exactly what I said at the beginning holy shit hes lucky he's not fatter

Me, serious?

Sometimes life is too busy...So i live a busy life. So busy that sometimes I don't have time to post my thoughts I've jotted down. But dont we all have busy lives? If my life isnt busy enough i try to jam even more into the little time i do have. 

So one of those things is I got a puppy. I know! He is so cute. I mean besides pissing and shitting on the carpet hes a doll! And i dont know what it is about puppies, especially males. But they like womens underwear! 

I could have boxers all over the floor (raise eyebrow and give a look) come on my boxers are tasty! So my dog runs down the stairs with a second pair of my wifes panties, i had already picked a pair up damn it. So i grab them, and im already late so i put them in my pocket along with my keys, wallet, cell phone, and bluetooth and race out the door. 

I stop at the store on the way home and im exhausted. What are we gonna have for dinner? Didnt i just cook dinner? Chicken, beef, veggies, no veggies, cucumbers, zuchini, fried, baked, crock pot, cash, debit, credit, mastercard, visa, amex? 

Bam!

 I look down in my hand and next to my wallet in my hand is my wifes pink panties with red hearts and the phrase "naughty." I'm frozen for a second. But im already wondering what everyone else is thinking so i look at each person with an I'll be damned look on my face and in my mind i can hear them!

 Theyre saying, are those his panties?", "are those his wifes panities", "i bet those belong to his mistress". "Thats a nice shirt hes wearing (i added that one)", "why does he have women's underwear?", "he bought those at jc penneys!" 

And as i stared blankly at the cashier who has a goofy ass smile on his face as if he had just justified his reason for showing up at work. Then I realized i used my american express instead of the debit card and realized i put in my pin instead of my zip code so now the fucking screen is blank, until it says card rejected. In like big fucking letters so now everyone, everyone in line lets out like different sounds. 

Sighs, gasps, giggles, and more questions! 

Now someone thinks im not only a guy that possibly wears womens undergarments but now im also broke and trying to buy chicken breast and veggies with a card that i probably had to have stolen from my female victim. And at least one person thinks all thats left of her are these trophy panties! 

 I had a conversation with my dr. Recently. I'm almost 40 and I figure it's time to go see a dr and find out how my health is. Especially since ive gained a lot of weight over the years. But i mean i look in the mirror and see different than what u probably see. 

So im sitting in the waiting room and im filling out the paper work that i dread all 2 times ive ever gone to a dr. Questions like "are there any known family medical problems". "Do you have any allergies". And then the question i always get confused on. Race and ethnicity. I dont know about you but i can almost check all of the boxes. But its like a riddle on those damn things. "Are you white?" Yes, half. So i check the check box. Next question is "white, non hispanic". So that doesnt seem right. "Hispanic". So i check that one but the message in parenthesis says "only choose one". Now im frustrated because this has turned into a test and either way im not going to get the right answer. 

So i finally finish the form and the lady collects my co-pay. Which, does a co pay confuse anyone else besides me? I mean. I already pay over $400 every two weeks to the insurance company, and now i have to pay another $25 dollars? On top of it i know im going to get a bill in the mail for whatever portion the insurance company doesnt cover.

 So i finally get into the room and the nurse comes in. She has me strip down with only a paper robe. She takes my blood pressure. Which of course is going to be high. Since im completly naked and trying to avoid getting too excited about this beautiful nurse that smells like coco butter. 

I start thinking about something else. But to avoid wood i start thinking about work. But thats not a good idea because now i can see the blood pressure machine going way too high. Right about the point i wish i would have never come in and just keep spending my 1k dollars a month to never use my insurance. And think that i should have just gone to work instead of coming to humiliate myself with a paper robe boner and then the doctor walks in. 

Well i can say that I was no longer excited when the 70 year old doctor came in. He smelled like after shave and coffee. So he starts asking me my symptoms. 

This is the conversation i had with my dr and his explanation to me why I'm not being realistic. Type 2 diabetes is the bodies way of saying hey, since you cant seem to eat right I'm gonna have to serve some warning signs so you don't kill yourself. It's the same as a car. A car doesn't go from low oil to seized engine. 

Hell no, it gives a warning light. You ignore it. Then the engine seizes when there aint no oil left. Yet some people are like "I have no idea why my engine seized". Mechanic is like, when was your last oil change? Umm "like a while ago". Like how many miles? "Like a lot of em". Any check engine lights? "Um yeah there were 2 actually. A red one and an orange one with a little genie lamp." And you dont know why your engine seized? 

Really? It's the same for diabetes! You dont just wake up one day and all of a sudden you got type 2 diabetes! Its a process. First you gotta eat and drink alot of bad shit. Then you gotta not exercise. And then you gotta not notice that you gained a whole bunch of weight. 

Then, you have to not notice initial low blood sugar. People are seriously like. "No, it just runs in my family." Yeah, cause you got alot of people in your family that just all hang out together, eat together, watch tv together, dont exercise together!

 Yeah I wonder how it runs in the family. We lie to ourselves! It's easy! I still look in the mirror and say, damn you're sexy Danny. Look at that ab! Used to be more abs but I consolidated. 

Upgraded to a keg from a six pack! So I said come on doc, I never want to live as long as you anways!

Me and Type 2

First I had a conversation with my dr. Recently. This is the conversation i had with my dr and and why i must be clueless.

Type 2 diabetes is the bodies way of saying hey, since you cant seem to eat right I'm gonna have to serve some warning signs so you don't kill yourself. It's the same as a car. A car doesn't go from low oil to seized engine. Hell no, it gives a warning light. 

You ignore it.

Then the engine seizes when there aint no oil left. Yet some motherfuckers be like "I have no idea why my engine seized". Mechanic is like, when was your last oil change? Umm "like a while ago". Like how many miles? "Like a lot of em". Any check engine lights? "Um yeah there were 2 actually. A red one and an orange one with a little genie lamp." And you dont know why your engine seized? 


Really? Its the same for diabetes! 

You dont just wake up one day and all of a sudden you got type 2 diabetes! Its a process. First you gotta eat and drink alot of bad shit. Then you gotta not exercise. And then you gotta not notice that you gained a whole bunch of weight. Then, you have to not notice initial low blood sugar. People are seriously like.

"No, it just runs in my family." 

Yeah, cause you got alot of people in your family that just all hang out together, eat together, watch tv together, dont exercise together! Yeah I wonder how it runs in the family. We lie to ourselves! It's easy! I still look in the mirror and say, damn you're sexy Danny. Look at that ab! Used to be more abs but I consolidated. Upgraded to a keg from a six pack. 




This was honestly a thought in my head and I'm not trying to upset anyone nor am I a dr. Just a joke.

IT Guy

So my name is Danny and you know a lot of people they call me Dannyboy you know and then there's always those people that want to change it and call me Daniel. but no it's Danny, says it on my birth certificate.

Danny. it is what it is.

So I'm a computer guy yeah you know I'm a goofball, I love telling jokes. Doesnt mean im always good at it but i do love to do it. Its not what pays the bills though. Nope. At night i gotta shake my moneymaker. This is america bitches, ima do what i gotta!

but if I if it was up to comedy? Id be fucking broke.

I spend more on alcohol than they pay me. so I'm a computer guy. I prefer IT person. Dont laugh! Wait, yeah laugh! Forgot why i was here for a minute. It is so not fucking glorious being an IT guy. People call you for the shittiest stuff! And you're suppose to always make it sound like what theyre asking you for isnt fucking stupid!

That's fucking stupid Sonya! Why the fuck do you want to do that! Nope, i gotta be like. Hi Sonya, i hope everything is dandy with you, how may i be of assistance to you? I'm sorry Sonya, no i totally see why you need to print at home from the office. Matter of fact i should be able to print to your house from the office too!

it's not a glamorous job no, realtor or broker thats glamorous. computer guy not so glamorous

Try to pick up a girl at a bar and tell her you're an IT guy. yeah, try and start talking about gigabytes and protocols. oh my gosh thats exciting, oh my gosh.

Did you just tell me that the transmission speed of USB three is faster than gigabit. I don't know what that means but he he he.

She's on her phone at DeVry.com to see how much I make.

this guy he barely makes a hundred thousand dollars a year how is he supposed to pay. how's he supposed to pay for my boots, boobs, booze, and my Bentley.

Just like my boy Joel said in Good Charlotte, women don't care about men, women care about cars and money.

Give a woman a car and some cash, you get whatever you want. But don't expect to get anymore until she does. ha ha, it dries up better be prepared to be replaced. that's why I spend my time in my lab with computers. It's easier to be alone with a frustrating computer than it is satisfying a woman.

Gray Area

So I was standing next to Channing Tatum yesterday. Actually I wasn't. But maybe if I was my wife might actually want to fuck me! No your right, she'd rather fuck Channing. But as long as she's married to me if she wants Channing I get some too! equal opportunity bitches. you get yours then I'm gonna get mine. If Jessica biel ever divorces Justin timberlake. I could be a step dad In a minute Jessica. Just sayin. What, you don't think I have a chance? No I'm not twisted. What makes you say that.

So I've been trying to lose weight lately. You can say it, I'm fat. Fuck you, never mind you can't say it! I'm just kidding, or am I? No I am serious. Anyways, that's our problem. we're all so sensitive. If I don't like the truth then I can go change it. But it doesn't mean that if I don't change it that people have to ignore reality. There can be gray areas though people. Of course there are gray areas. What if I am happy being fat. Wait, hear me out. What if I was like fuck it I don't care I'm gonna die when I'm gonna die. I don't give a fuck! As my friend do u owe it to your own conscience to convince me to lose weight? Well then in the name of being a true friend don't you owe it to yourself to bring it up? Or do you? Now your confused too? Yeah, join the club!

The fucking politically correct, everyone is your parent, digital age. So how's it supposed to work? Well, you get thicker skin people. I know, but Danny your sensitive as a motherfucker! No I'm not, stop picking on me! It's on me to do inventory and know where my vulnerabilities are. Be prepared for attacks on my armor. Instead, I'm playing fucking Pokemon Go! Smoking pot and listening to Hillary Clinton. Me and the rest of these inmates of this asylum, are winning! Just go ask Charlie sheen! I'm sensitive about Charlie sheen so I'm gonna move on. We won't talk about what he's winning. I'll just imply all around it. Touch on it. Pretend I didn't... But I'm sensitive so I shouldn't be poking at people. I got some vulnerabilities. Although I am a computer guy so I stay well protected. I got virus protection, Condoms and spyware! That's how I roll. Visiting with the honey at her place. I'm like, climb on top of me Hun. While I lay underneath your computer desk and I install a faster router for you. Then you can blow me while I sit at your desk and install Symantec on your pc! I want to feel like I'm multitasking babe! Oh oh oh, here it comes, installation complete! How does that feel momma? You're right. I wish I took longer to complete than the Symantec installation. Should we do it again? Best part doll. Sometimes software installation doesn't complete. me, I always finish!